So what the hell happened?

Sometime in 2023, I kept trying to sign into my WordPress account and the website would freeze. I couldn’t log in at all. It was really strange. I tried multiple times over the remaining months of my pregnancy. I really missed being able to write my thoughts out. I couldn’t. Presently, I have been in 24/7 infant care-taking mode. Not too long ago I discovered I can log in again. My baby is asleep right now for the evening. As you might imagine, finding time to write has been extremely difficult if not almost impossible. It is rare, in the event I have a solid amount of free time, I want to actually write instead of catch up on sleep, shower, or decompress.

The last time I saw my baby’s father I was driving him home in my new car. It was February. His birthday had happened. I wanted to do something nice for him to celebrate. I asked him if I could pick him up and take him to work after taking him shopping for a new pair of shoes. He had been complaining about how much his feet hurt standing at work for 8 hours. On the way back to his parent’s house. One of my favorite rap songs from Megan Thee Stallion started playing. Which sent him into a spell of fury. His voice was rising as he started to berate me for listening to the song and female rappers in general. That it said a lot about my character to him. I changed the song to a male rapper I remembered him liking from way back in the day we knew each other. Z-ro. This just seemed to make him even angrier. He starts to rant about how music like this is bad for the mind is going to make me a bad person. I told him I disagree. I found it to be motivating. For me the message was about working hard, staying in your own lane, and making your own success story. He found it the opposite. In hindsight, it’s possible it brought up bad memories for him. Even if that’s the case it doesn’t excuse the increasingly aggressive manner in which he spoke to me. I asked him to lower his voice. I don’t drive well when I’m emotional. He wouldn’t. He just kept ranting and attacking my character. I changed the song again to “Youse a Bitch”. This only added more fuel to his fire. He started to yell about everything that made me not “right”. How he didn’t want the shoes I bought him. When he threatened to break the window of my car if I didn’t stop playing the music. I pulled over and yelled back at him to get out of my car. He could walk the rest of the way to his parents. He tried to demand I continue to drive him. I said NO! GET OUT.

When he stormed out of my car I drove myself home in tears. What happened to him? Where did my high school sweetheart go? What has life done to him? He’s grown into this scary person. Who I am now having the child of. I still see myself as this stupid fool. I thought I could help him remember who he was. I was so very wrong.

Now, I wonder what the future holds. When our son starts asking questions about him. What am I supposed to say? Pretend he didn’t frighten me? That I only saw what I wanted to see? I made him out to be better in my mind because I was living in the past. I didn’t listen to him in the present. I had been in denial.

There’s a YouTuber called, “The Crappy Childhood Fairy”. She discusses what it’s like to have childhood post-traumatic stress disorder as an Adult. There’s this symptom called “Limerance” where someone like me fixates on a person as a romantic ideal that doesn’t actually exist in the persons actions towards me.

So now I know what this pattern of behavior from myself is. I’ve been in chronic states of limerance with people I’ve dated or was attracted to in my past because I have been afraid of who I would be within the present. My attempts to find decent people, through friends even, did not end up well. I just harmed myself further. I really need to break this cycle. I’m hoping now that I know what it is I can move forward finally out of these harmful romantic interests.

To my beautiful baby

Right now, it’s 3:31am. You are 5 months and 2 weeks old. You started tossing and turning in your sleep. You cried out a little. I rolled over and scooted close to you. Your little arm reached out to drape across my ribs. Your small head is in my armpit.

I tried to do what I was told. “Do not sleep with the baby. It’s dangerous. You could accidentally suffocate him. ”

5 months ago, I was completely alone recovering from my worst fear come true. A cesarean birth. The pain from abdominal surgery was unlike anything I had ever experienced aside from when my contractions. It hurt to walk, it hurt to bend to use the toilet, it hurt hold you, it hurt to pick you up. it hurt to rock you. It hurt I failed us so much in the 9 months that I we would be so alone. I just kept thinking, oh God what have I done ? You didn’t ask to be here and here you are. Here, because I wanted you. Here, because I wanted to make the best of a dark reality. Here, because an abortion meant risking jail time if caught traveling to another state for one. Here, because of my naivety. Here, as a dream I could love and nurture. Here, as a dream of love.

You, the new born. Everytime I gingerly placed in the bassinet you would wake up and cry. I inhaled and exhaled slowly through the pain of sitting up and bending down to reach you. I was so tired. It had been 3 days since I slept at all. I decided to place you on your back on my flattest pillow. You were right next to me on my bed sleeping soundly.

Today, you are bigger than that pillow. You sleep with me every night. I am never not aware of you next me. I don’t think I ever sleep deeply. The moment you start to stirr awake I tend to you in the dark. I will get you through it.

Things they don’t tell you about pregnancy…

That the first weeks are painful. My uterus hurts a lot. So does my abdomen. The book “What to expect when you’re expecting” say this is normal. My body is hard at work expanding to incubate a life.

That the people in your family you secretly hope to hear that “You’ll be a good parent” part from won’t say it. That your ‘friends’ will fall off or they will project their insecurities or childhood wounds onto you.

That you will feel grounded and rooted in something bigger then your previous traumas. That you will look forward to the future for the first time in a good while. That your soul will be in touch with you. Saying you got this. This baby is a blessing for you do not close this door. Stay open to a new life.

I don’t expect to be a perfect parent, but I hope to heal the mother abandonment wound in my bloodline. My intention is to love and nurture. My intention is to create emotional safety for this baby as it grows. My other intention is physical safety. I can do that by owning this and taking responsibility for my life. I’ve been motivated again like before. I’ve been cleaning my house and doing chores again. I have found it easier to forgive myself. It could be the pregnancy hormones. Or it could be I’m finally growing up differently. I’m excited.

I know I’m alone in this joy. The bio father said he would resent me forever. I just hope if he decides to be a part of this kid’s life, he doesn’t take his resentment out on them. I would like it if we could figure out how to communicate effectively and healthily. I don’t want the kid to suffer from that.

The stray dog.

I feel like all the hours I’ve spent indulging in true crime and surviving in the wild when your lost vidoes came in handy. I’ve had two people in a group I care about the most scream at me and basically tell me I’m insane these past two weeks. This may or may not be true as i embark on being a single parent. lol What I do know is that given the option of fight or flight when someone is yelling….

My fight-or-flight response is FLIGHT. I announce that I’m going to walk home. So I exited the car of this 2nd angry person I care about and walked home from Barton Springs rd. ( I live near 12th and the airport – 2hr walk). During that nighttime walk, I looped my key ring on my finger in the event someone crept up on me. I would have something to defend myself. ( Slap ’em in the face with keys + run). My phone is dead at this point. My feet are swollen and sore.

As I’m walking a long, a large Honey-brown and white non-neutered male pitbull comes into view. He gallops over to me. I crouch low so as to not be threatening. To my delight, the stray pitbull dog is very friendly. When I say friendly, he tried to jump into my squat as I stood up to hump a leg immediately. lol He walks with me all the way home. He is a good boy. He listened to me when I commanded him to sit down and stop. He only would only respond to being called “Buddy” or “Honeypot”. lol

I was glad to have him there. There were a few times he nearly got hit by a car as he did not stay close to me. One car that pulled over was driven by a fellow dog owner. I explained to her that the dog was a stray that had been following me on my walk home. She gave me some treats to keep him close. He would walk off a few yards or so ahead. Then he’d wait for me to catch up. I think during the few times I tried to catch a car’s attention from hitting the dog.

We both get to my house. I am distracted with getting the stray dog some water. To my horror, I realized I had lost my keys. It’s the middle of the night at this point! I can’t see shit.

I poke around my house to see if I had a moment of forgetting to lock the doors or a window. Nothing. I discover my old lemon car isn’t locked. The dog snuggles with me. We sleep in my car for the night. At some point, the dog wakes me up. I think he needs to go out to use the bathroom. I do not see the dog again after that, sadly. I had a rope in my car I originally tried to make a slip-knot leash with. The dog would flip on its back to be silly and tug o’ war. I let him wander off. I needed to sleep at that point bc I was exhausted. I figured at daylight I’ll retrace my steps.

It’s morning now, and I have walked the route I took halfway and back again. No honeypot or buddy in sighe. No keys. I found nothing. My phone is still dead. Then I remembered I usually leave a window unlocked in the kitchen above the sink. So I walk back home. I cut the screen open with some gardening shears I had on my patio. I use the cement blocks from the firepit to build stairs to reach into the window. I could fit through without getting stuck or falling into the sink or off the counter. Now I’m waiting for a locksmith to replace my keys. #cptsd#adhdlife#imasurvivor#inotgonnastop#imgoingtoworkharder

Since you blocked me

I think we were just meant to give each-other reality checks. I think that you’re projecting your shit onto me. I will not be gaslit or lead to believe I have mental problems. You think just a year of therapy makes you an expert. I could tell you were angry by how you were speaking to me over text. I don’t feel angry. I feel hurt. I feel calm and determined. I choose to see this pregnancy as a blessing.

All of the bullshit I’ve gone through has prepared me for this. I’m going to nurture this baby and hopefully, the cycle of generational trauma around alcoholism will stop with me. It sucks this child is going to grow up wondering why their biological father wanted nothing to do with it. But unlike me the baby won’t be wounded by its mother at minimum. I plan to love it as best I can. I will prioritize the emotional safety of the baby. I won’t be with a drunk. I certainly won’t allow that wound to happen again. I trust God to provide another parent that’s sober and loving when it makes sense.

You can tell yourself you’re the victim here all you want but I’m not going to call myself a victim. I own that I should just let the dream pass. I own that I should of pushed more for you to wear the condoms I bought. I accept my responsibility now and I’m okay with that.

I hope you find peace.

I wish you the best.

Thank you for this gift.

The sun rises slowly now

One of my cats was acting very strange the other day. She was running around as if something was chasing her and meowing. It wasn’t meowing it was more like yowling. I noticed she was scraping her back paws on the floor. After a quick google search I deduced she might have a bladder infection or UTI.

So I made a vet appointment. I called out of work for it. The vet told me she was a healthy weight of 7.5lbs. They took a urine culture but it didn’t really confirm if she has an infection since there was blood in it. So I’m not sure what that means. The vet said she was able to feel a hard round mass in the bladder area that might just be compacted fecal matter. My cat might just be really constipated. They injected her with antibiotics regardless. I also have to give her a dose of kitty laxative every 12 hrs. Then I have to take her back in a few days so the vet can see if the mass is till there or not.

This pet emergency was the fire I needed under my ass to finally get my car repaired. I haven’t been driving it since the engine light started flashing. I dropped the car off at the shop with my cat in tow ( carrier). I’ve been lyfting to and from work mostly.

I still like my job but its been difficult lately since I expressed I disagreed with how I was being approached about closing tasks. As well as the “assisting manager” role has become clique-y. It’s given me a lot of anxiety. There’s a bit of a divide where some think everyone needs to follow the guidelines 100% or wiggle room for imperfections. There’s been a lot of chatter about the people not meeting them and what to do about it. I expressed I thought we needed to just talk to the person or people directly instead of about them when they’re not present. I also have countered the “refill lotion” to fill line after shifts. It’s hard for me to see why they’re pushing this on us when that’s not the role at all as well I’ve worked with one bottle without needing to refill at all for 6 clients in a row. I think it’s silly. I think it’s micro-manger-esque. I don’t want to micromanage people. I don’t want to be micromanaged. Mainly because I’m not perfect, more so with small things like this stuff. I don’t think I’ve ever left a room in a position that would be a huge hassle to start the day with.

My bosses seemingly agree it’s a bad use of energy. So they assigned these responsibilities back to the front desk. It seems we now have two other front desk gals. Which is great but I’m still wondering if I misunderstood again that MOD stuff is going away in general. I still feel like I’m being watched or scrutinized by a couple other people. It sucked my method of referencing an article about it that got me removed from the group chat because I didn’t delete it fully. I should have prefaced it better so it didn’t look passive aggressive. Even if my bosses are saying they agree with me.

I think part of it was I was low on sleep from being anxious around my court deposition. As well as being pinged at 8:30am from T when she already is aware of how I see it. I posted the two articles after she messaged me. I set a boundary for her to stop micromanaging me. I sent a screen shot to the right hand of my boss. She told me to stop messaging her. Later she asked me to delete the article when she couldn’t reach me on my phone to chat. I’d deleted one of them but not both. Which is why she removed me. She said it wasn’t appropriate and really stirs the pot. I understand that. I’m just disappointed. One of things I liked about working here is the open door policy. I think it’s changing though. Open the door for 1 on 1. Do not share stuff with others. This actually isn’t collaborative is what I’m learning.

I also think since they removed me from the chat it low-key validates the people that don’t think I should be there. I still felt watched over while newly avoided at work yesterday by people I’ve been working with for a years now peacefully. It just sucks.

I think if I could do something differently it would be to just not engage the way I did. However this was bubbling underneath for some time now. I don’t like it when people trash my bosses but then also are the first to kiss their ass at the same time.

They apologized on behalf of T as well as pulled her into the room for us to talk.

T immediately said something like “I’m sorry if I made you feel attacked I guess its just the mom in me”

I didn’t expect her to apologize outright so then I felt bad immediately. I stumbled with my apology. I explained again its especially difficult for me to under the lotion thing when I have real life experience of it being more than enough. “I’m sorry for being a hard ass.” is what I muttered out.

I felt bad about that so I went home to lick my wounds. I wrote her a better apology. I projected some stuff on her that really didn’t have much to do with her. So I would like to own that. I sent a copy of it to the right hand. She told me she thought it was well written and she appreciates my openness.

However T’s response just started the cycle again of me over-explaining and then attempting to get back on course.

T has sort of treated me like a close friend since she started and it’s been uncomfortable for me. I am not always in a head space to be present for socializing with coworkers when I’m trying to remember to do my notes or add my tip manually. On top of it – I don’t know how to really relate to her. I’m not a mom. My marriage has failed. I’m not close with my family etc. So I know I have been short with her or aloof or just non-engaging. Work isn’t and hasn’t been a place I go to bare my soul in between clients. I was told when I started I needed to be careful about what subjects I try to entertain with others. It’s a professional setting. I also need to be careful to avoid triggering myself. The job is already hard enough – interpersonal stuff makes it harder. Work has been a place of stability for me these 3, almost 4, years. It’s also a cross-road.

I’ve never worked anywhere longer than 2 years. All of the employment I’ve had until this has been very corporate-ized with no open door. Or the illusion of it.

I reconnected with my highschool sweetheart. It’s been a little bit of a world-wind. Everything is kosher except for his drinking problem. I wanted to believe him that his parents were maybe overreacting but I have seen a few times now he is acting like an alcoholic because he is. I decided not to bring him to this xmas party bc of the amount of booze. I don’t want to set him up to fail. I don’t want to be in a position of potentially fighting with him drunk either.

I also decided not to bring my new friend either because I have a crush on them and they do not feel the same way. It would be stupid and dangerous for our friendship for me to be tipsy while these stupid crush musings exist.

So i’m using this opportunity to just go solo and make it away to solve my feelings of disconnection with the team. A fair amount of us are going solo so it should be okay I hope.

I’m fucked in the head because I don’t really trust poly people anymore but I’m also not super happy to be confined in monogamous situation either. Here’s the point where I vow for the 2000th time this year to stay single and keep myself out of romantic peril.

I wish there was a way I could be myself and still be with the sweetheart. I think outside of the drinking issue he’s been a positive influence. I’m just not ready to let go yet.

I wish I could just get a mental break

I’m just so tired and exhausted.

This impending case with the cyclist I accidentally hit 2 years ago is looming. I got a voicemail and an expedited notice saying I needed to call them back ASAP because it was jeopardizing the case. They even contacted my soon-to-be ex-husband. The irony of this is I double-checked my phone’s ringer. It was on but it didn’t ring so I missed the call. I just now remembered I still need to call them back. Go for calling in the moment since I now have today off.

I’m relieved a little that the paralegal seemed to understand. I explained it’s not that I’m avoiding ya’ll, I just have clinical ADHD so my brain often gets distracted even when I have the intention.

I’ve been pushing myself to be more social again. I’ve gone back to Al-anon a bit and bought a set of books. I need to find a sponsor.

I feel like shit because I’ve only been craving hot wings, loaded potato skins, and sour patch kids… oh and pringles which I ate this morning for breakfast

I went to my first Sex and Love addiction meeting a week ago. I really fit the bill as far characteristics go. I need to go to more.

I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of feeling sad. I’m tired of emptiness.

I didn’t have a first massage client so I asked for later start. My boss was nice to just offer the day off since the books are empty in general. NEw therapists will appreciate it

I snapped the other morning in our employee group chat. I’m not super proud of how it came out but I needed to say it.

I was surprised at how my bosses responded. They didn’t see it as anyone’s fault just theirs for not equipping us all better on what and how to communicate amongst eachother. As well as how to go about upholding standards.

This year has felt like I’ve been treading water trying to get back to land. I thought the farther away from loss I would feel better but I just feel like I’m stuck at ground zero all over again.

I guess I can at least celebrate I did something to catch up on my adult chores this week.

Double Birthday and Death

Thursday September 8th would have been my sibling’s 29th birthday. September 9th Friday would have been our father’s 49th birthday.

My friend’s plane didn’t arrive until 10:30pm due to a delay. We tried to go to Ah Sing Den but the line was too long. My friend was hungry. We wandered east sixth for a food trailer. Then we wandered towards 4th street. My friend settled on some mimosas. I was too hot from the heat and humidity. When it’s hot outside it hard for me to feel hungry for anything other than cool foods like cucumber, watermelon, water, salad, etc. In the a/c I can eat savory. We went to Barbarellas briefly. We ran into someone I’m ‘ friends ‘. I would call them the friend I can count on to be out and about when I feel social. However, if they feel like they’re having to babysit they bounce. or they just bounce bc they’re drunk.

They offered us a ride to Outer Heaven but the DD needed to close their tab. So we waited for that. I missed the DD exiting. It became clear we were ditched.

So we took a lift back to my place and just called it a night.

Friday we went to Barton springs after hunting for a straw hat for my friend. Then in honor of my sibling’s birthday, we went to this Alice and Wonderland cocktail hour. It was 4 gin cocktails themed in a small wonderland tea party with the hare and mad hatter. It was fabulous. We got very smashed. I wanted to continue to go out but after eating dinner at my place I face-planted asleep. I woke up at 4 to wash my face + brush my teeth as well as get out of my tea party clothes.

Friday – We also went around thrifting. I had hoped to find some shorts that fit my bigger size. Unfortunately, my estimate of being a size 8 was a total fail. I think I’m probably a 10 or 12. You can’t try anything on still bc of Covid. I feel acutely aware of my size lately. Seems like everyone is shrinking or smaller than me. It was good to walk around central austin so much as well as swim. I hope to start walking around again.

Saturday- I honestly can’t remember much of the day – we woke up late had breakfast. I forgot my friend doesn’t like any eggs, diary, or cheese. They do eat meat. So the tacos I ordered were not edible to them. Whoops. They ate one of the pancakes. We watched a movie call Phantom Thread. Then we hit the town again for dinner. We went to this spot called Honey Spirit Lounge. I tried this cran mocktail they had. I didn’t feel like drinking. After dinner we went to Cheer up Charlies. A friend I made at Queerbomb this year came out. That’s about the time we were tired and ready to go.

On the way home I impulsively was like let’s check out Outer Heaven and then we can walk home. Thats about the point things got wild. I had about 6 people over until 5am shooting the shit. I woke up an hour later to feed my cats. My friend and had hooked up with my queerbomb friend. I was waiting for them to wake up so i could move around more. I settled on music in my yoga room until about 11. Sunday We all went to a drag queen brunch at Cavalier’s. I ran into an old queer friend so it was nice to catch up and make plans to hang. then we day drank at this resin DIY event on the east side.

I got to pet and hold 7 chickens. They were the friendliest chickens and the only chickens I think I’ve ever held in my life. Interestingly, I ran into Spacex’s ex there. I met her briefly during one of our painting nights. I thought she was too cool for him. haha we ranted about his narcissism and exchanged numbers.

I think it took her a while to recognize me because I am 40lbs heavier these days. Also white claws tend to make my face swell. By the time we left as evident on the photos my face was practically round. I must have an allergy to it.

Monday I had to work in the morning so we called it an early night.

Work went smoothly. a coworker was nice to cover the second half of my day since it was empty so I could drop my friend off at airport. I wanted to take them to the secret waterfall but sadly it’s been completely fenced off. So no more watering hole to swim in.

We spent more time with queerbomb friend and their dog. Also ate a veggie burger at Cavilers again. Then I wandered to the old airport bridge to see the sunset before dropping my visitor off.

I had a decent time. I think I got as much socializing as I could. I am enjoying the quiet and having my bed back to myself.

I had work this morning but nobody booked so I asked to go home so I could make my Al-Anon zoom meeting. I’m glad I did that.

I guess I’ll bike to work now.

Still a mess

My friend’s flight doesn’t arrive until 9:30 tonight.

I’m on my way to a training session for my promotion to assisting trainee for new hires. I’m nervous.

Today my sibling would have been 29 year old and our father would be 49 tomorrow if they were both still alive.

old friend

is coming to visit for a couple days. I am gonna have to scramble to get my place in order. I’m excited but nervous. I haven’t seen them for a few years.

We dated briefly ten years ago before I moved back here. We have stayed in touch over the years. I’m grateful. It’s been a healthy relationship.

They lost their partner 4 years ago to suicide. So they know what the grief process feels like. I’m so grateful and yet heartbroken we have this in common too. They volunteered to come to visit me during my sibling’s death anniversary so I wouldn’t be alone. I’ve already cried a bit this morning.

I hope to have fun, cry, and laugh. I can’t wait to catch up.