[This is an entry from my handwritten journal in 2017]
I think real – true- love inspires you to love yourself more… maybe??
Last night, Richie and I went to see “Beauty and The Beast” at Alamo Drafthouse. I felt pained over having to choose between the loaded fries and the french toast. Instead of picking either of those, I chose the “Thai” chicken salad. I sorted the greens away from all the wonton chip strips. I was careful not to dump the side of peanut dressing on the greens. Too many calories. It’s happening again. I’m reverting back.
…
Before getting married, I remember the dates here at the Alamo Drafthouse that I would have with a more recent ex-boyfriend. I remember him intervening w/ my excitement for my favorite dish to order off the menu. “The Load Fries” He would comment, “You don’t need that.” It made me feel very ashamed of myself.
…
I’m desperately trying to find motivation for the gym. I don’t want to starve myself down 135lbs like I have in the past. I thought I just needed a workout buddy. I’m married now, and my husband is more than happy to oblige. His company is no longer helping me though.
I think my motivation has been about being desirable. Maybe if I’m smaller the person of my affection will find me desirable…irresistible… lovable…
They’ll touch me more affectionately and/or sexually.
He has assured me he likes who I am and not what I am or how I look.
I want to believe him.
…
When I was with my ex-girlfriend/first love A. My size didn’t seem to matter to her much. She teased me often about how I ate like a rabbit.
When I left the nest with my Grandma, I was 19 years old. I had one goal in mind. I was set on becoming ‘thin’. I had been reading everything I could online about ways to succeed in weight loss through ‘Pro- Ana’ lifestyle blogs and forums.
My grandma didn’t eat much during the day in general. She drank a lot of coffee. At night we had a ritual of visiting the nearest gas station to buy her favorite kind of ice cream and candy for me. Chocolate Hagdenza or Ben + Jerry’s Cherry Garcia – frozen yogurt. She also didn’t really pay much attention to how much of what or how little I was eating.
In high school, as a freshman, I had a huge crush on this handsome Junior named Tim. He was nice to me. He would sometimes hang out with me. Other times he would avoid me. His girlfriend, Larissa, was stylized in the fashion of Avril Lavigne but half white and half Mexican. Long brown hair, long face, petite muted pink rose-colored lips, big hazel doe eyes. She was/is this beautiful female deer fairy sprite of a girl… She was rumored to be a wild party girl. She was rumored to be disloyal to him. He was rumored to be very in love with her. He was very much so and he was loyal. She was serving community service at our local food bank. I can’t remember if she had been caught drinking illegally or what. She didn’t have much time to hang out since she was grounded outside of that. She was committed to being sober now. She invited me to volunteer at the local food bank to spend time with her while she met her community service obligations some Saturday mornings. My own grandmother was thrilled I was interested in something like this. So she didn’t inquire heavily about the specifics.
I wanted to get to know her. I wanted to figure out her secret. I thought by observing her by getting to know her more personally. Then I could learn how to be beautiful too. My non-logical thinking was that if I became like her in some aspect, then I would know how to lure Timothy away. I knew he didn’t care for her partying much. I didn’t like that I had heard she cheated on him too. I thought he deserved better.
It was also rumored that Larissa was into girls. This was confirmed when she told me she identified as bisexual too. I hadn’t met any openly bisexual female peers at that point. I was very eager to hear if she had any experience with women and how to meet women too. She attended a different high school in our county. I think I met her at a pep rally a few times with Timothy. None of us particularly cared for football. It was just a small town and there wasn’t much to do besides show up just to socialize under the bleachers.
I added her on Myspace. She and I got to talking about music. We liked a lot of the same music and anime. I liked the poetry she posted on her myspace blog. Since I wrote poetry too. (I would learn later in life she had copy pasta’d poems from classical poets I didn’t know yet.) We would message here and there. She had a crazy mother too. She lived with her grandma like me. She was mixed like me. All of our mutual guy friends seem to be hypnotized by her. Hell, even I was at that point. What was her secret? I had to know. The only thing she had over me, I concluded, was being small besides being beautiful. She couldn’t help it in retrospect. Her frame was naturally small. She was 5’1″ or 5’2″ . I wasn’t short yet I wasn’t very tall either but I felt large as well as tall around her. I didn’t feel bad about my trojan horse scheme until…
Her disloyalty was confirmed one night in the backseat of her grandmother’s SUV. Her grandmother was driving Timothy and I to our respective homes. ( We lived in the same neighborhood). She caught me by surprise, she reached for my hand and pulled it into her hoodie pocket to hide it. It didn’t seem to matter he was right next to her. Or that she knew it would bother him if he saw us. He seemed to be staring out the window. She even kissed me when she thought he still wasn’t looking. I was very surprised by her actions. I felt about as bad as I felt excited to be kissed by her. I think he saw it in the window though. As his head darted back to look at us both. I think he could tell we were holding hands. I think he asked what we were doing. He didn’t look pleased. She just leaned over to kiss him some more to distract him I think. I felt jealous. I wanted to kiss him too. She didn’t let go of my hand. She called me later to have me swear secrecy that it would upset Tim. I felt bewitched. Later I learned they broke up again bc it was different guy she slept with. Timothy had had enough. I felt betrayed too. I also felt guilty. I stopped sleeping over her place. Maybe she learned I liked him too. I can’t remember how we stopped talking but we did. I didn’t miss her. (#signsyoumightbepolyam)
I made 110lbs my goal weight. At that point in time I weighed 135lbs. Carmen Electra was the same height as me at 5’5/5’6. According to what I had read about her online, Carmen weighed 110lbs. I thought 5lbs for each breast implant. I thought she looked spectacular. I sought her frame minus the boobs. I eventually got to 125lbs by skipping lunch and breakfast. I would eat tv dinner, burger king or some noodle + vegetable stir fry kit with my grandma for dinner. Then I’d eat candy or ice cream but that was it. I walked a lot by this man-made lake in our neighborhood. ( this is funny because I would kill to be this weight now as I am 145lbs ) It just seemed to me all the boys wanted thin girls. I was humiliated when I dated this guy, Travis. I liked him a fair amount. He broke up with me after a few days. I didn’t understand why. He said he wasn’t over his ex ( Larissa) after all this time. It wasn’t me. He hoped we could be friends. The following day during the lunch period, a mutual friend of ours told me she learned from him the ‘real’ reason. He found my hands to be too big that he thought I had man- hands. I felt humiliated. I thought of Larissa with her tiny almost child-like hands.
Even if I become skinny I can’t change my bone structure.
…
I think I need to abstain from myself, sex, and the gym. Sex is feeling like work. I am scared to communicate my lack of arousal. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I feel scared of the future. I desire so much to stay with my husband. I feel like I am going to mess this all up. If I become fat would he even still love me? My passport came in today. I am officially going to Spain. I wonder what Spain will be like. I expect beauty and mischief. 21lbs doesn’t seem hard to lose by then.
[END OF ENTRY]
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