N is for NEEDS that went unmet in my marriage

1. I needed to be able to feel safe to address my needs and or feelings to be heard
2. I needed to have my alone time respected when I ask for it
3. I needed to be given space to complete a task that is frustrating to me. I need a partner that won’t try to fix it or me or to have my frustration at said task took personally. Generally, I need to have my right to feel my feelings respected as long as I express them in respectful ways.
4. I needed to be asked before being touched. I especially need to be asked beforehand if there is kink intention in the affection: to grope me or unclothe me in public.
5. I needed to not be subjected to sarcastic comments, “jokes”, that poke at my struggles and/or insecurities.
6. I needed to not be criticized about my body, outfit choices, or food choices.
7. I needed to be trusted about my experience when it comes to sensations in my body
8. I needed to have any answers I gave to his questions acknowledged. (ex: overnight oats incident)
9. I needed to be able to also answer, “I don’t know.” “I cannot remember” as well as being allowed to say “No I can’t help you with that” or “I’ve explained the information I do have about it ” no more than three times in the moment.
10. I needed to not have to beg to do couple activities he didn’t 100% enjoy as well as receive an attitude about it.
11. I needed romance occasionally that isn’t tied into making up after a fight
12. I needed to have less responsibility on the house inventory when I was already stressed about keeping track of supplies, food, chores, social planning, schoolwork, therapy homework, AA homework as well as make time for my own hobbies and interests.
13. I needed to be able to borrow a tool from his shed w/o him being angry at me for not remembering exactly where to put it. I wanted it t be his responsibility to put it away when I returned it to him. Since he felt like it’s my responsibility to tell him where anything in the kitchen and house is.
14. I needed him to be proactive about educating himself around my ADHD diagnosis. ADHD is not an excuse but it is an explanation — I needed to be recognized with positive reinforcement. I was doing the best I could.
15. I needed recognition or affirmation around when I am trying to compromise to the best of my ability – please don’t turn into an all or none situation.
16. I needed to be believed when something painful happened during sex
17. I needed him to have my back and stand up for me during times his friends were disrespectful to me or at least to able to stand up for myself and not be at risk of him thinking I was making a scene / embarrassing him.

12 steps of Codependents-Anonymous

1. I admit I am powerless when it comes to LOVE/SEX and my life has become unmanageable.
2. I’ve come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
3. I am once again making a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I’ve understood God.
4. I will make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.
5. I will admit to God, myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.
6. I am entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character.
7. I am humbly asking Him to remove my shortcomings.
8. I will make a list of all the people I have harmed and be willing to make amends to them all
9. I will make direct amends to such people wherever possible; except when to do so would injure them or others emotionally
10. I will continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong I will promptly admit it.
11. I will seek clarity with prayer and mediation to improve my contact with God as I understand him and my higher power, I am praying for only knowledge of his will and the power to carry it out.
12. After having this spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I will carry this message to others by practicing these principles in all my affairs.