Couple’s therapy notes: Session 1

[This is when we switch to a new couple’s therapist. As I’m growing concerned, the therapist we currently have is favoring Richie more. I am still not feeling heard or like my issues have been addressed. I am worried he is right about me being emotionally abusive to him. I want to clarify his issues since he still feels like I haven’t addressed them. Then we will tackle my issues with him]

Basic goal: To understand his expectations

Note – No debating the facts around his perceptions around my behavior that works or isn’t working to cultivate love + trust. Let the therapist ask clarifying questions

Note- Ask questions ONLY when I’m really not understanding

Richie’s rough order of expectations:

Value 1: TRUST

• To be trusted : Believe in the things I say about my day to day activities, would like me to have good faith in him, to treat him as if he’s competent and hear his concerns out , that he is trustworthy + honest
• Trust in risk assessment choices- express opinion but don’t expect him to agree with it, allow him to live with the consequences
• Don’t expect total agreement – when saying something it’s not lying or falsehood
• Believe in his ability to complete a task around the house- it’s okay to have reservations

Value 2: COMMUNICATION

• Allow him to offer help and advice.
• Allow him to ask clarifying questions : goals of his questions > to make sure he understands > seeking more information to understand > to learn more
• Know that he doesn’t expect me to always know the answer

Value 3: To be able to learn from each other

• Hypothetical example: He wants to sow a pair of socks and he knows i have that skill already OR to recognize when he has skill or knowledge of something I can learn from him as he enjoys teaching me

Value 4: HONESTY

• Desires honesty from me in a sincere and respectful manner. He doesn’t want t feel judged or at risk of losing love/support

My husband’s implied expectations

[Couple’s therapy homework // hand written diary entry ]

1. I work towards and stay concerned with attracting him.
2. I am to ask him about ordering snacks but don’t expect him to include me in any choice he makes about buying any new technological stuff.
3. He expects me to write his ‘to do’ lists and be the personal house inventory computer to access at any time of day if he needs to locate something.
4. That I’m a well of information to be accessed at any point.
5. That he always drives us around – and when he does I’m not supposed to be on my phone around him
6. That if he wants me to do something his way he expects me to agree to do it that way
7. He’s allowed to ask me any type of questions that are really like an order or managerial speak

12 steps of Codependents-Anonymous

1. I admit I am powerless when it comes to LOVE/SEX and my life has become unmanageable.
2. I’ve come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
3. I am once again making a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I’ve understood God.
4. I will make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.
5. I will admit to God, myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.
6. I am entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character.
7. I am humbly asking Him to remove my shortcomings.
8. I will make a list of all the people I have harmed and be willing to make amends to them all
9. I will make direct amends to such people wherever possible; except when to do so would injure them or others emotionally
10. I will continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong I will promptly admit it.
11. I will seek clarity with prayer and mediation to improve my contact with God as I understand him and my higher power, I am praying for only knowledge of his will and the power to carry it out.
12. After having this spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I will carry this message to others by practicing these principles in all my affairs.

No Kisses for a day and a half.

[Handwritten entry from my journal June 28th 2018]

No Kisses for a day and a half. I’m so sad to be in this mess. I am frustrated. Richie says I confuse him a lot with my ‘unpredictability’. I’m starting to think he doesn’t REALLY listen to me or take into account that everything I’ve shared about my need for communication aids at my happiness level. I shouldn’t be snooping but I found him saving some screenshots of some friend/acquaintance he met through some of his ex-girlfriend’s cousins, Jason & Maria. ( I loathe them for reasons I’ll explain later.)

The pictures were of her and her friends topless at Barton Springs. Another screenshot was of them dressed up whimsically. I feel pissed off. I feel pissed off because Richie is calling me inconsistent. Why is this a big deal when I sent a nude to Evan without asking him if it was okay. He didn’t even fucking consider telling me about this online crush. I have told him EVERYTHING about every crush I’ve had. I tell him whenever I feel like branching out and flirting with someone new.

Furthermore, he told me I don’t need to ask him every time I want to hangout with Evan or if I want to kiss him. These past few weeks have been so stressful. I don’t even want to kiss Evan anymore but selfishly I like the attention. He thinks I’m incredible. I started drinking a bit at night which is problematic. So I stopped. I want to not drink for 90 days. I’m going to Al-Anon Family meetings to work on my trust issues + codependency.

I think the other reason I’ve snooped is because I don’t know what the fuck he spends his free time online. CLEARLY there’s a huge problem between us. I spend a lot of time reading stuff about Marriage, self-awareness, ADHD etc. From his browsing history, I saw only funny reddit threads and articles that reflect his own interests. Which is fine and makes total sense. I guess I just thought with a sea of information online accessible, he would care enough to look at the same stuff I have been. I just feel like I’m the one with problems so I need to change so he can be happy and comfortable again.

Do I even deserve that back now? Is it appropriate to even feel this way? I feel like my heart is breaking. I want to run away. I just start getting pissed now whenever I hear him say words like “Efficency” or “Mindset”. “What information are you getting this from? Let me show you the data. ” he says.

I’m so sick of being treated like I’m a bad critical thinker. As if I don’t research anything. All of this crying is ruining my stupid eyelash extensions. Maybe I should let them just fall off and cut my hair. I don’t feel like ME or that I can be myself.

Richie says “ADD is not a good excuse.” I wish he would just read about it because it’s stressful for me to work on myself and educate him at the same time. I don’t want to educate him when he’s never outrightly asked me. He just expects it. When I remind him that he has the internet to consult, he implies I’m being unfair since it’s more ‘efficient’ to ask me.

Blahhhhh…

I’m going to try journaling more now because I’m so confused, hurt, and stressed. He wants me to chase him. He tried to cuddle me a couple days ago after our drunk driving debate. He came home smelling of alcohol. In the morning the smell persisted. My hand hurts so I’m going to stop writing for now.