5 parts of Anger

This entry is based on notes I took during my 2019 weekly trauma recovery therapy sessions. I didn’t write a date down. I am just assuming it’s sometime in 2019 after the loss of my sibling, father, and banishment from my father’s side of the family.

My therapist instructs me to close my eyes. To take some deep breaths. Inhaling slowing for a count of 5, holding the breath in for a slow count of 4, and exhaling slowly to a count of 7. We breathe and count together for a set of 5 breaths.

When I open my eyes, she then instructs me to write down the following prompt:

‘Go within, consider an issue that you’re currently struggling with; what parts do you notice? ‘

I write the word ANGER in large capital letters. She then instructs me to draw five empty circles around the word. I fill them in one by one. They are the parts that make up my struggle with anger.

ANGER is part LOVE, part FEAR, part ASPERATION, part GRIEF, part Self-Loathing

‘How do you think these parts are trying to help you?’

I say I think it’s about defense: to stand up for myself. It’s also about injustice. It’s also about revenge: I want to hurt them to get even.

Fear has been a heavy influence on me for the last 28 years. I have no idea what would help it go away. I think validation and reassurance.

My therapist says that Anger is a ‘protector’.

She tells me it’s okay to feel angry. It makes sense my instincts want to attack due to the chemicals Cortisol + Adrenaline flooding my system at the moment.

She instructs me to remember this grounding technique under the acronym, “Peace”

P= Pause and Inhale slowly for a count of 3

E= Exhale slowly. Then inhale and exhale in two more times.

A= Acknowledge my feelings arising. If there’s Anger and an instinct to punish then take a mental note of that. Validate my anger. That it’s okay to feel angry right now.

C= Choose to disengage and walk away

E= Exercise – go for a walk around the block

Couple’s therapy notes: Session 1

[This is when we switch to a new couple’s therapist. As I’m growing concerned, the therapist we currently have is favoring Richie more. I am still not feeling heard or like my issues have been addressed. I am worried he is right about me being emotionally abusive to him. I want to clarify his issues since he still feels like I haven’t addressed them. Then we will tackle my issues with him]

Basic goal: To understand his expectations

Note – No debating the facts around his perceptions around my behavior that works or isn’t working to cultivate love + trust. Let the therapist ask clarifying questions

Note- Ask questions ONLY when I’m really not understanding

Richie’s rough order of expectations:

Value 1: TRUST

• To be trusted : Believe in the things I say about my day to day activities, would like me to have good faith in him, to treat him as if he’s competent and hear his concerns out , that he is trustworthy + honest
• Trust in risk assessment choices- express opinion but don’t expect him to agree with it, allow him to live with the consequences
• Don’t expect total agreement – when saying something it’s not lying or falsehood
• Believe in his ability to complete a task around the house- it’s okay to have reservations

Value 2: COMMUNICATION

• Allow him to offer help and advice.
• Allow him to ask clarifying questions : goals of his questions > to make sure he understands > seeking more information to understand > to learn more
• Know that he doesn’t expect me to always know the answer

Value 3: To be able to learn from each other

• Hypothetical example: He wants to sow a pair of socks and he knows i have that skill already OR to recognize when he has skill or knowledge of something I can learn from him as he enjoys teaching me

Value 4: HONESTY

• Desires honesty from me in a sincere and respectful manner. He doesn’t want t feel judged or at risk of losing love/support

My husband’s implied expectations

[Couple’s therapy homework // hand written diary entry ]

1. I work towards and stay concerned with attracting him.
2. I am to ask him about ordering snacks but don’t expect him to include me in any choice he makes about buying any new technological stuff.
3. He expects me to write his ‘to do’ lists and be the personal house inventory computer to access at any time of day if he needs to locate something.
4. That I’m a well of information to be accessed at any point.
5. That he always drives us around – and when he does I’m not supposed to be on my phone around him
6. That if he wants me to do something his way he expects me to agree to do it that way
7. He’s allowed to ask me any type of questions that are really like an order or managerial speak

5 parts of Sad

[Therapy notes]

The first part of me feels sad

A second part of me feels overwhelmed

A third part of me feels determined

a fourth part of me feels hopeful

a fifth part of me feels scared

Sad part = exists to help release grief

Overwhelmed part = exists over ambitions for personal goals

Determined part = shows I’m ready to heal

Hopeful part = a seed of acceptance is starting to sprout and take root

Scared part = the roof might fall in if I decide to be happy

Back pain

[Therapy session notes from 0ctber 2019 – I am estimating the date as the next entry is October 21st]

Today I am feeling PAIN.

First part is physical pain in my low back from menstral cramps

Second part is Loneliness

Third part is Sadness

Fourth part is Overwhelmed

Fifth parth is Grief

I am feeling lost and needy. I wish people would think to check on me more. I deserve this misery. I want to be alone and not alone at the same time.

Affirmation: I’m doing the best I can.

Couples Therapy Notes

“SYSTEMIC MISUNDERSTANDING” > Allow the other to speak

Reasons my husband was drawn to me:

1. Easy communication

2. Seemingly get along well > conflict resolution was easy

3. Difference in perspective > my compassion towards disenfranchised people > insight to a healthier diet > proactive about my self awareness and emotional health

TRUST: ‘What are some of the frustrations around the other person’s delivery? What would make it easier to avoid the defensive reaction in me? ‘

His answer: Hear me out and trust in my answers.

N is for NEEDS that went unmet in my marriage

1. I needed to be able to feel safe to address my needs and or feelings to be heard
2. I needed to have my alone time respected when I ask for it
3. I needed to be given space to complete a task that is frustrating to me. I need a partner that won’t try to fix it or me or to have my frustration at said task took personally. Generally, I need to have my right to feel my feelings respected as long as I express them in respectful ways.
4. I needed to be asked before being touched. I especially need to be asked beforehand if there is kink intention in the affection: to grope me or unclothe me in public.
5. I needed to not be subjected to sarcastic comments, “jokes”, that poke at my struggles and/or insecurities.
6. I needed to not be criticized about my body, outfit choices, or food choices.
7. I needed to be trusted about my experience when it comes to sensations in my body
8. I needed to have any answers I gave to his questions acknowledged. (ex: overnight oats incident)
9. I needed to be able to also answer, “I don’t know.” “I cannot remember” as well as being allowed to say “No I can’t help you with that” or “I’ve explained the information I do have about it ” no more than three times in the moment.
10. I needed to not have to beg to do couple activities he didn’t 100% enjoy as well as receive an attitude about it.
11. I needed romance occasionally that isn’t tied into making up after a fight
12. I needed to have less responsibility on the house inventory when I was already stressed about keeping track of supplies, food, chores, social planning, schoolwork, therapy homework, AA homework as well as make time for my own hobbies and interests.
13. I needed to be able to borrow a tool from his shed w/o him being angry at me for not remembering exactly where to put it. I wanted it t be his responsibility to put it away when I returned it to him. Since he felt like it’s my responsibility to tell him where anything in the kitchen and house is.
14. I needed him to be proactive about educating himself around my ADHD diagnosis. ADHD is not an excuse but it is an explanation — I needed to be recognized with positive reinforcement. I was doing the best I could.
15. I needed recognition or affirmation around when I am trying to compromise to the best of my ability – please don’t turn into an all or none situation.
16. I needed to be believed when something painful happened during sex
17. I needed him to have my back and stand up for me during times his friends were disrespectful to me or at least to able to stand up for myself and not be at risk of him thinking I was making a scene / embarrassing him.

No Kisses for a day and a half.

[Handwritten entry from my journal June 28th 2018]

No Kisses for a day and a half. I’m so sad to be in this mess. I am frustrated. Richie says I confuse him a lot with my ‘unpredictability’. I’m starting to think he doesn’t REALLY listen to me or take into account that everything I’ve shared about my need for communication aids at my happiness level. I shouldn’t be snooping but I found him saving some screenshots of some friend/acquaintance he met through some of his ex-girlfriend’s cousins, Jason & Maria. ( I loathe them for reasons I’ll explain later.)

The pictures were of her and her friends topless at Barton Springs. Another screenshot was of them dressed up whimsically. I feel pissed off. I feel pissed off because Richie is calling me inconsistent. Why is this a big deal when I sent a nude to Evan without asking him if it was okay. He didn’t even fucking consider telling me about this online crush. I have told him EVERYTHING about every crush I’ve had. I tell him whenever I feel like branching out and flirting with someone new.

Furthermore, he told me I don’t need to ask him every time I want to hangout with Evan or if I want to kiss him. These past few weeks have been so stressful. I don’t even want to kiss Evan anymore but selfishly I like the attention. He thinks I’m incredible. I started drinking a bit at night which is problematic. So I stopped. I want to not drink for 90 days. I’m going to Al-Anon Family meetings to work on my trust issues + codependency.

I think the other reason I’ve snooped is because I don’t know what the fuck he spends his free time online. CLEARLY there’s a huge problem between us. I spend a lot of time reading stuff about Marriage, self-awareness, ADHD etc. From his browsing history, I saw only funny reddit threads and articles that reflect his own interests. Which is fine and makes total sense. I guess I just thought with a sea of information online accessible, he would care enough to look at the same stuff I have been. I just feel like I’m the one with problems so I need to change so he can be happy and comfortable again.

Do I even deserve that back now? Is it appropriate to even feel this way? I feel like my heart is breaking. I want to run away. I just start getting pissed now whenever I hear him say words like “Efficency” or “Mindset”. “What information are you getting this from? Let me show you the data. ” he says.

I’m so sick of being treated like I’m a bad critical thinker. As if I don’t research anything. All of this crying is ruining my stupid eyelash extensions. Maybe I should let them just fall off and cut my hair. I don’t feel like ME or that I can be myself.

Richie says “ADD is not a good excuse.” I wish he would just read about it because it’s stressful for me to work on myself and educate him at the same time. I don’t want to educate him when he’s never outrightly asked me. He just expects it. When I remind him that he has the internet to consult, he implies I’m being unfair since it’s more ‘efficient’ to ask me.

Blahhhhh…

I’m going to try journaling more now because I’m so confused, hurt, and stressed. He wants me to chase him. He tried to cuddle me a couple days ago after our drunk driving debate. He came home smelling of alcohol. In the morning the smell persisted. My hand hurts so I’m going to stop writing for now.

Why I feel upset lately

• I am angry because of the lack of follow through with the activities Richie claims to be mutually interested in doing with me
• I feel like I can’t really bring it up because then I’ll be too “Pressure-y” like his ex-girlfriends were
• I am upset because he seems to only point out when I am upset or not paying attention these days
• I don’t enjoy small talk right now because it seems empty and pointless since we live together.

Thoughts on Issues this Past week

• I had originally decided not to drink at Midnight Cowboy with Richie, Evan and Brenna bc of starting Zoloft. I ended up having two cocktails anyway at the end of it because I felt out of the loop. Brenna was getting very flirty and sharing her approval of Richie + I to experiment with polyamory with Evan and her.
• I ate two rounds of Gelato yesterday along with Mac + Cheese. My stomach hurts.
• When I make gestures to show I am desiring sex and it’s not being reciprocated. Then, when I don’t feel horny, Richie seems to be all over me. It’s hard to say no because his mood is pretty infrequent and I want to feel close to him, but sometimes I feel triggered and overpowered in the middle of it. I will want it to stop. I don’t say anything because I’m worried about ruining the moment, him feeling rejected and hurt. Sometimes I wish Richie would ask me if it’s ok to touch me. I have expressed this before to him, and his solution was to give me full power. If I want them, I will have to make the first move. Which I think is ok. I just don’t understand why asking is hard for him when it’s only to help me feel empowered sometimes at the moment.
• Working out because I feel like I have to keep things upbeat. I seem to receive lots of compliments and affection from him when he knows I’ve been working out. I am not sure if it’s because I’m working out.
• Sometimes after dinner, I continue to eat like I’ll have a bowl of cereal or cookies. Richie seems to hear me in the kitchen so he will pop by or come into the room. He then gives me this squinty side-eye face. It makes me feel self-conscious about eating. I can’t tell why he does that. He usually wants a bite of a cookie, and I don’t always want to share. In fact, sharing sometimes makes me feel guilty like I can’t have a whole cookie. I have resorted to hiding the cookies I am eating. He still pops in on me to give me the squinty eye face, but upon seeing there’s only me with my laptop, he gives me a kiss.

WHO AM I?

• I am 27 years old
• I value my health and try to eat healthy
• I am still in some kind of ED purgatory that I would very much like to be out of
• I am married to a wonderful guy
• I value honesty, loyalty, respect, love
• I feel a lot of pressure to be beautiful

WHAT NEGATIVE BELIEFS DO I HAVE ABOUT MYSELF AROUND MY ATTENTION/ABILITY TO FOCUS ISSUES?

• I am an idiot
• I will always be a failure
• This is why no matter how hard I try I’ll always be a failure
• I disappoint myself
• I wish people could understand that it’s frustrating and exhausting on my end t
• Nobody would like talking to me if they knew how often I check out but am nodding and smiling to keep up the appearance of active listening
• Richie will leave me eventually when it gets to be too much