Healing Homecoming

Here is this body of mine that has experienced 11,315 days here on earth so far. // A body that has survived sex assault as a 4-year-old child. A child’s body that survived physical abuse//. A body that overcame falling off my rollerblades to skate.//  A child’s body jumped on the bed;  splitting its bottom lip enough to require stitches. //  A child’s body that overcame being bit by a dog I was playing with. // A child’s body tried to poison itself by drinking pinesol.// That threw it all up immediately.// That told no one but two best friends who laughed at her  “ stupidity.”// A child’s body who loved to read and dream.// Who’s mother was perplexed to tell me to stop reading and clean my room.//  A preteen body that its father and sister shamed//  A preteen body that chronically picked at itself until it was bleeding from its fingers and toes.//  A preteen body that lived with lice for 3 years.//  A teenager’s body that cut its hair all off. //  A teenager’s body that survived its over self-starvation until I had someone close enough to encourage me to eat regularly. // An adult body that survived starvation again to get the approval of someone who didn’t love me.//  An adult body that survived rape three times. // An adult body that left the person implying I’m unworthy of snacks and routine.//  An adult body that stretches out in the morning for yoga. // That still digests well after years of abusing laxatives and eating episodes until it hurts to breathe//  An adult body that now eats regularly.//  Sometimes dessert is breakfast. //An adult body who ran a 5k twice // An adult body that can bike for an hour. An adult body that deadlifted 150lbs.// An adult body that can swim, run, walk, and dance still //  An adult body that has survived  7 car accidents.3 concussions. 1 crack head incident, 2 sprains of the ankle, and loss of fingertip. //  1 sprain of an elbow. Numerous burns, splinters, hangnails, cuts, scrapes, scratches, bug bites, ringworm, hives, and canker sores //  With teeth still present to smile, without cavities but with fillings after being so depressed I quit brushing my teeth twice a day to every few days for a few years.//  A body with a face that wasn’t great about not sleeping in makeup or applying sunscreen. //   Here is a body that lived after consuming a bottle of painkillers.//even though my gums bleed my teeth are still fairly white. // Here is a body I’ve exhausted with busyness// Here is a body I starved of affection.// Here is a body I have been unkind to for more years than I have dared to nourish and love it. // Here is a body I used to see as weak// Here is a body I know now is resilient and strong// Here is my body that is the only home I’ve ever known that is with me wherever I go// My best friend, my best lover, the best dance partner and cook.// Whose voice I am attuned in listening to//  Here is my body with its hands of safety, love, and care.// Here is my body with my hands that I  get to hold// Hands that won’t ever let go//. Here is my body and it’s all mine to partner with and roam…db…

5 parts of Anger

This entry is based on notes I took during my 2019 weekly trauma recovery therapy sessions. I didn’t write a date down. I am just assuming it’s sometime in 2019 after the loss of my sibling, father, and banishment from my father’s side of the family.

My therapist instructs me to close my eyes. To take some deep breaths. Inhaling slowing for a count of 5, holding the breath in for a slow count of 4, and exhaling slowly to a count of 7. We breathe and count together for a set of 5 breaths.

When I open my eyes, she then instructs me to write down the following prompt:

‘Go within, consider an issue that you’re currently struggling with; what parts do you notice? ‘

I write the word ANGER in large capital letters. She then instructs me to draw five empty circles around the word. I fill them in one by one. They are the parts that make up my struggle with anger.

ANGER is part LOVE, part FEAR, part ASPERATION, part GRIEF, part Self-Loathing

‘How do you think these parts are trying to help you?’

I say I think it’s about defense: to stand up for myself. It’s also about injustice. It’s also about revenge: I want to hurt them to get even.

Fear has been a heavy influence on me for the last 28 years. I have no idea what would help it go away. I think validation and reassurance.

My therapist says that Anger is a ‘protector’.

She tells me it’s okay to feel angry. It makes sense my instincts want to attack due to the chemicals Cortisol + Adrenaline flooding my system at the moment.

She instructs me to remember this grounding technique under the acronym, “Peace”

P= Pause and Inhale slowly for a count of 3

E= Exhale slowly. Then inhale and exhale in two more times.

A= Acknowledge my feelings arising. If there’s Anger and an instinct to punish then take a mental note of that. Validate my anger. That it’s okay to feel angry right now.

C= Choose to disengage and walk away

E= Exercise – go for a walk around the block

Turkey Trot

Thursday I have the turkey trot to execute. It’s 5miles from what I’ve heard.

I have bailed on training for it altogether. I feel weird right now. Sort of embarrassed. I wrote an epic love poem and sent it to my climber friend. I’m a little worried it weirded him out. I’m also nervous because we’ve had sex now he’s going to treat me like shit or fall off. I don’t see him doing that but I’m still anxious. I’m not in love with him but I do love him and care about him. I want him to be happy. He asked me if I wanted to run with him this morning and I didn’t say yes but I didn’t tell him no I’m not coming. I kind of got distracted trying on lingere I bought that I never got to use or wear for anyone. It made me feel good for a bit. I sent him a picture – no response. Oh well. I’m sure we will talk about it later. It’s ok if he doesn’t feel the same way. I’m not really attached to the idea of him being in love or loving me back like I was with Coach for whatever reason. I’m not sure what made it different. Or what about Coach made me insecure. Either way it’s been almost three weeks since I blocked him on everything to get over it. I would be tempted to message him otherwise.

The washing machine is supposed to get fixed today while I’m at work.

I really miss having a pair of glasses. My eyes always feel strained and tired with out them.

My plants need water. I keep blowing it off. Metaphor for my mental health.

I need to go pick up my refill of ssri from CVS too.

This weather and time of a year – I just wish I could sleep through all of it.

…. Is this what going cold turkey off prozac looks like?

I requested a Rx renewal. Waiting for it to process. Hope it comes in soon. I think it may have been a mistake to quit. I felt emotional last night riding home on my bike. I feel attention starved even though I’m getting lots attenton. So wtf is my problem?? So now I ask – is this a symptom of no SSRI after two weeks? ?

In the mean time my eating disordered brain has reared her ugly face and clawing into my back. There’s a part of my brain that knows it’s irrational and objectively absurd. However I’m feeling pretty weak to argue. Right now it’s TOM hasn’t messaged you bc he’s really not that into you after further fooling around. COACH doesn’t want you because you’re not cute and small. Ex husband is only contacting you because he knows your weightlifting and is now desperate to see you, which you started because you’re stupid and toxic and want revenge. So you planted a seed of “I lifted 180lbs today woo. Have I learned nothing?! Fucking stupid ego give me a break. I avoided memorial because I didn’t want to be exhausted from funeral sadness. After telling Coach he shouldn’t come bc I felt like I knew her more than him or whatever. Also avoided my work social because I didn’t want to engage in drinking or eating french fries. I stayed home and rested. I’ve been watch Golden Girls. Maybe that’s where some of this is coming from? The episodes are very funny but there’s a lot of fatphobic / diet moments too.

I’ve bought new clothes because after a friend dumped a bunch of clothes that do not fit her anymore because they’re too small fit me really well. I feel really good but now I’m like ahhhhhh if I eat too much I cant wear the cute clothes. It’s been so long since I’ve had clothes to wear I’m excited about. As well as having people to dress up for or events to go to now that the pandemic is over.

I’ve been going hard working out 5-6 day a week for the last month and half. I’m starting to lean out. My arms and legs look more toned. How do I balance this sinking sort of pit in stomach that if I enjoy a bunch of food – I’ll lose all progress.

Last night I succumbed to ordering two calzones I had no idea would be about the size of each of my arms. I also order 3 boxes of donut holes. I could only feel safe enough to eat a few bites of calzone and 3 donutholes. I knew I hadn’t had dinner so I needed to eat something. I felt safe enough to eat hummus and chips. I graized some granola. I ate 5 grapes. I then ordered fried pickles and a fried chicken sandwhich ( which I was able to actually eat 2/3 of) and waffle fries. I did not eat the pickles, the mac n cheese, only half of the fries.

One of the episodes of golden girls the doctor is scolding Dorothy’s mother for eating so much that it will catch up with her arteries. It doesn’t matter how fit or thin you are. Heart disease while more likely in obese people also readily takes out a lot of healthy active or unhealthy thin people. I kind of joke I’m counting on heart disease to end my misery on earth when I’m 40/45. Am I really joking tho? My dad died from it at 46.

I also just realized I did finally eat that slice of dulce de leche cake in my fridge from 2 days ago.

I guess I should stop watching Golden Girls. I skipped gym class today. I’m going to do some affirmations, drive to work, and just try to forgive myself for this moment. Recovery isn’t linear.

I just wish I had better insight to why this happens. I feel like I’m eating enough at home. Breakfast is yogurt with granola. Then I have eggs or almond butter with jelly. lunch i’ve been having with Coach or I make myself a turkey sandwhich. Maybe it’s that I’ve run out of protein shakes so I’m extra hungry since I’m working out so much? Those are snacks in between meals. At work I have tuna salad and crackers or turkey jerky or banana with two string cheeses.

Still I’m coming home and this dread spiral of emptiness results in … let’s order something not eat it but watch food videos until we get tired. I’m pathetic. I digress. I want to be healthy. I felt like I was getting somewhere. What is this??

Please let my meds come in at CVS soon. -_-

Go to bed at 10:30 or 11pm and wake up at 4am is my new normal?

I’m not sure what’s going on with my circadian rhythm. When I wake up at 4:30 I feel frustrated that I’m awake this early. I have experimented with just going back to sleep. This usually makes me groggy if I can manage it. I don’t have a problem going to sleep. It’s staying a sleep that’s the issue. I need to go back to the herbalist and see what else I can try. I guess.

This morning at 4:30am, I chose to embrace it again. There’s been times where this happens and I just get up to start my day. I’ll do a chore and dance around to music. I’ll see if any new spots opened up for my weight class. Today I was able to get in the 6:45am class. I was 5mins late to class. I really need to try and leave earlier.

In class we haven’t been using the barbells as much or weightlifting. It’s in a kettlebell series. There’s lots of full body movements that I am stumbling through with my noodle arms and thick legs. It’s nice to have new challenge even if I feel clumsy.

So far this morning I have worked out, mowed the lawn, trimmed the hedges, swept + de-cobwebbed the patio, clipped my cats nails, vaccumed, renewed my weekly folder booklet for my anxiety workbook practice. Since I’m flirting with the idea of going cold turkey with my antidepressants I figure it would be good to resume it since I totally flubbed it during my hawaii trip. It’s okay. I don’t have to start over. I can resume.

My cats have been super itchy the past week. So when I got off work last night I went and purchased flea drops. I really hope that helps. I’m not entirely sure how they would of gotten fleas considering they don’t go outside. It might be the used carpet my job was getting rid of. I vaccumed the crap out of it today.

Have I done enough to feel like I can be lazy now ???

Nope. I still need to call eye doctor for old RX to replace the glasses I lost in Hawaii. Not having them strains my eyes and I’m more headache prone. blah blah blah. Also need to scoop cat boxes. Maybe I’ll wash my car?

AT WHAT POINT DO I ACTUALLY FEEL PRODUCTIVE? Or caught up enough? How will I manage all of this plus school? How do people do it? How do I feel “adult enough”?

I got more intimate with TH the other day. It was nice. Sort of. I think I regret it. I think I don’t want to have sex with him anymore. I think I was infatuated. I really need to get better about transitions around crushes on friends become loverish then are awkward to be friends again. I don’t think it would be hard to be TH’s friend. We haven’t gotten to heavily into anything. As usual I find myself more into an idea of a person.

I’m craving a companion lately. Someone who can sleep over and cuddle with me. However I’m a terrible bed partner since I wake up at 4am. I toss and turn too. I try to be quiet and exit. I’ve had Z, TH, and Coach all come over for baths and sleep. I’m mostly… at this point… very attached to Coach. I like Z and TH but considering they’re mostly emotionally unavailable. It’s a little hard. I also know Coach needs to date around. I think “I should” date around too. However- I’ve been dating around. I’m a bit exhausted. I wish these deep feelings awayyyy. I feel vulnerable. Coach assures me nothing emotionally has changed for him. That we are now just closer intimately and our constant communication during the day/week isn’t exactly sustainable since he his work involves lots of driving to meet clients and oversee projects. Ugh where is the anxiety coming from ? Why now? When do my attachment wounds heal??

Dear Body, here is our new relationship agreement.

Two mornings ago, I woke up with incredible lower back pain. I think some of it has been I’ve going hard the past week and slipping up on consuming enough protein. I’m also still recovering from Hawaii. I’m also starting to train for 5k in November. I’m in another transitional period. I’m also pushing myself to now work 5 days a week to make this lease house more affordable. In order to continue to work comfortably. I must work out. It’s done wonders for my wrist pain I had at the beginning of this year. I cancelled going to class that morning. I wanted to sleep in but the trash collection truck came by. I realized I forgot to put the trash can out for the second week in a row. Thankfully, I don’t produce too much trash alone. Mostly recycle-ables and that can is huge compared to the trash can. I wanted to sleep in more. Coach and I had our first moment of tension that following evening. We went out to dinner and it was lovely until the conversation steered into fitness, weight loss, and calorie counting. I’m not entirely sure how it came up. Other than the switch to calorie counting was triggering for me. I lost my appetite. I felt a bit overwhelmed. I probably need to be more direct about how the subject is uncomfortable for me. Coach seems to prove he cares and is receptive to that feedback. I don’t think he meant to trigger me. He was just talking about his own body. How two years ago I probably wouldn’t of found him attractive because he was 25lbs heavier. I said I doubt that. He stands very lean today but any time I’ve bumped into him over the last 8 years I’ve been drawn to face, eyes, and energy. I’ve seen pictures where, sure he’s thicker than he is right now, I still think he is and was hot. I don’t think shape matters much to me. I’m ok with a Seth Rogan body type. I remember my high school boyfriend gaining weight in his stomach he was embarassed about. I loved it. I’m not attracted to super skinny goth/metal/emo guys anymore. I care about having a partner that wants to have a healthy relationship with food, fitness, and their self-image. I want those things for myself too. Anyway our date started to feel like I was out with my former spouse. I felt myself shrink and feel worried. I’m trying to find a line of people who enjoy experimenting and strengthening their bodies rather than it be about how good they look or that they look good to me. I am attracted to very curvy women physically as well. I was able to communicate in his coach’s truck that it was a bit triggering and I might be quiet while I breathe. I didn’t feel angry at him. Just in a weird space of “This is similar and different.” I recognized that the only way out of it was through. Coach surprised me with a different solution something my former would of never suggested to calm the air. That we go get ice cream. I felt a little bit better and close to him again. Then it just dissolved again as we got through the door. I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s the fear of being with another insomiac. Coach and I aren’t really in place to spend the night at eachother’s. Mainly because his daughters are still adjusting even though one is 20 years-old and the other is 17. It seems the 17 year-old is the one he’s most concerned about since he rarely gets to spend quality time with her. Shes usually at her moms or working or out. Interesting enough, I’ve only met her once. She found me one facebook and friend requested me. I don’t have anything incriminating on there so I accepted. I’ve met her older sister more. Both of them are closer to my baby sisters age. So I feel more sisterly if anything. I don’t feel overwhelmed or like I’m going to have to mother them. They have their mother. It would be nice to be friendly and not be seen as a threat. Anyway

Today, I am writing to you dear body of mine to acknowledge all the pain and harm I’ve put you through in the last 25 years of life. I want to you to know I am grateful we haven’t broken any of our bones yet. I am grateful we can still walk. I am grateful you allow me to reach beyond my toes. I am sorry I’ve neglected stretching out our obliques. I’m sorry for the relentless bullying I’ve allowed my mind to subject us to. Today is a commitment to reaffirm healing to stop it.

My body relationship agreement commitment looks as follows:

1. EATING REGULARLY, CONSCIOUSLY, AND GRACIOUSLY. This will look like maintaining that I eating breakfast with two glasses of water, followed by lunch before I leave for work bring a protein shake as a work snack and having dinner when I get home. 80% of week I will eat healthy whole balanced and regularly. 20% I will indulge and have fun enjoying comfort/delivery food.

2. MAINTAINING SUPPLEMENTS + MEDICATIONS for brain health. I will do my duediligence to take my supplements and medications as perscribed. I actually need to go pick up my antidepressants from HEB today/tomorrow because I am completely out. Also need to talk to my doctor about maybe continuing to up the prozac as my anxiety as come back lately. Lol Last night I was not having it as far as taking my herbal supplements. I’m kind of at a place where I think it’s moot. Sometimes I get this sense I am my own healer if I put mind enough to it.

3. BASIC RECOMMITMENT TO HYGIENE I will commit to trim my nails and cuticles only with tools and no longer through picking or chewing them off. I will continue to brush teeth at least once to twice a day. Especially if I eat candy before bed. I will continue to go to bed at 10:30 pm 5 days a week.

4. Recommitting to STRETCHING. While I’ve been maintaining working out 5 days a week as well as incorporating running. I’ve been slacking on my yoga practice and overall stretching/warming up before my shift starts at work.

5. It’s a new goal to reframe any self-judgement and fight my inner “Fat phobia”. I will ask myself upon thinking negative thoughts or insecurties, “Who is profiting off my insecruity right now? Because isn’t me. ” I will abstain from bonding with others by pointing out my physical flaws or engaging in their self-deprecation by removing myself from the conversation or asking for a topic change. I will practice compassion + respect towards myself and others journeys.

🙂

It’s rainy and cold today in Honolulu ( day 3)

I’m doing a terrible job producing a normal sleep schedule. I think I’m still on Texas time. Austin, TX is I went to bed at 6pm yesterday. I woke up at 1:30am. I realized I hadn’t brushed my teeth so I got up to do that fumble through unlocking my locker. I also took my sleep helping chinese herbs. The lock works it just takes a little finesse to get into the hole since it’s a tight fit. I’m pretty sure my roommates hate me because I’m the wakes up at 4:30am person in the room. I try to be swift and quiet but I ultimately end up forgetting at one or two things. I started out twice this morning to go back up 4 flights of stairs. Once to grab my glasses since I didn’t put them back in their case and the second time to retreive my water canteen before I had planned to walk to the Art museum. Since it’s so rainy and chilly I guess I’m just going to hang out here. I had Ontama udon yesterday that was delicious. Today would be a good day for that. The line was super long even in the sunny weather.

This morning I resumed my couch to 5k app. It was very magical to be running under the streetlights while the city was still clearly asleep. I saw a wild chicken and her babies. One of her chicks got behind the group for a small moment. It immediately cried out. The mama stopped to cock her head back to cluck as if she was saying “Over here, little one”. The little chick darted across the grass to catch up. It was so cute and funny.

I checked the weather this week so I am suprised it’s cold and rainy. The projected forecast was sunny and as high 85 degrees or as low as 75. Right now it feels like it’s 68 with the rain.

Originally I thought I would go have breakfast at this breakfast grill place at the marriot hotel near by but one look at their prices and no thanks.

$14 Oatmeal is OATrageous.

I found a Denny’s 16mins away. It was through the fashion district of Honolulu. I’ve never seen a Dior store or Hermes in the flesh. Not since Paris anyway. The shops were closed. I can’t afford and don’t belong in there anyway.

A long time ago when I was teenager my friend’s mom had W magazine subscription. When she was done with them she would give them to me. I would make collages out of them. I would dream about being on America’s Next Top model or a fashion designer like Vivenne Westwood or Alexander McQueen.

Sadly for me McQueen killed himself. I have lost role models him , Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, my sibling Kit all to suicide.

It’s been dark the past few years learning the true nature of comedians behind close doors. It’s really sad when the ones you think are championing feminism end up being total problematic creeps. There’s a new age poser of young men and older men that claim to care about women’s rights. They agree men are trash. Yet are they willing to do any real clean up? No.

Until men are willing to talk to other men about misogny and toxic masculinity these defects of societal constructs will continue to terrorize women and men alike.

What most men don’t realize is how they benefit from feminism too. At surface level they usually joke and argue – isn’t just a bunch bra burning man-hating women?

No, it’s not.

Feminism wants a better future for men too. A future where men can express their emotions amongst each-other and not just unpack it on women bc they feel safer to do so with women. The fear of the gay men has to do with the fear of being seeing weak, irrational, emotional like women. It’s internalized misogyny. Our society has taught men for far too long that they need to “MAN UP” and provide. Be taller. Bigger. In charge. Commander of his own destiny. Logical. Factual. Assertive. etc but above all do not be effemenate because then you would be gay. Being gay is bad because men get pen

Well what happens to men who can’t meet this notion of success? The end up as making up 80% of suicides. Most with gunshots to the head. Has there ever been a female mass shooter? No.

I could go on and on

I’m tired

Tomorrow is 2 years since my sibling hung themselves. I can’t help but feel angry sometimes. Growing up it felt like they got all of the attention. Angry because here they are getting all the attention forever. I stand up for myself and they cut themselves out of my life permanently forever. It’s just not fair. It’s not right. We were supposed to get older and be best friends. Now it’s just nothingness. I was super quiet and introverted. I was very careful about what I said. My sibling was loud, commanding, unfiltered. They outted me twice without my permission and I forgave them. For me to out any secret of theirs even if it was in the means to protect them or stand up for them was the worst thing I could ever do. They would cut me off. I don’t even know where it started or when it started but I do know they’re only person to ever give me a bloody nose. I live with horrible guilt because I threw a book at them once. I was stressed out about our mother coming in and hitting me over not cleaning our room. They wouldn’t help me clean. I implusively threw a book at them. I didn’t mean for it to hit them in the face or their eye. I felt horrible. I apologized prefusely. I was terrified of the ass whooping I was about to get. Sometimes it just felt like they wanted to see me get hit when I upset them. They would pretend I hurt them or blackmail me with my perceived bisexuality at the time. They outted me to our father. Thankfully he didn’t care much. I just forgave them without a second thought to it and again later when I learned they had robbed me of telling the family about my first girlfriend. The family thankfully was ok with it. I still have no idea why they were ok with me but not ok with them coming out as bisexual or non-binary/trans. They argued Kit wanted attention it wasn’t real. That’s fucked up. I’m sorry our family failed you. I’m sorry I failed you for all the times I told you to quit centering conversations on yourself. I was just jealous bc I was unable to command a group of people. I was jealous because I wasn’t thin. I was jealous because I wasn’t white. I have been brown, timid, and shy. I was also overweight. Kit used to throw my round body back in my face, “At least I’m not fat like you” . Puberty and braces changed everything for me. Combined with starving myself. Suddenly I was considered pretty. Our father was nicer to me. Saying he was proud that I lost my baby weight. He didn’t know I wasn’t buying school lunch to look like i got an allowance like the rest of my “punk” white friends. I still see the little fat girl with frizzy hair and very crooked heavily gapped front teeth who wore snow boots all summer bc those were the only shoes that fit her. Kit also ruined my 13th birthday. My two friends came to sleep over. I didn’t feel well at some point and went to lay down. I woke up to Kit throwing a slimy sock with hair in my face. I screamed at them. How dare they ruin my birthday. Why did they have to take the attention away from me. Everyone laughed at me. My mom sent my friends home. Kit refused to discuss the past. They would often get angry at me for bringing it up. Because we disagreed on events. I used to argue that they were making it up. Later I tried retract that and say it’s possible we remember it differently and both can be true. There’s just so much I wish I could take back.

Like them being 12 or 13 and making out with my neighbors little brother. He told me he fingered them later. I felt outraged that they didn’t have better taste in boys. He was gross. I shamed them. I did exactly what my best friend would do to me later for visible hickies with my boyfriend. I told them they didn’t have any self respect. Fucking’ slut shaming bullshit. I’m so sorry Kit. I want to take it all back. We all didn’t know any better. None of it was clever. It just hurt. It just sucked. Maybe it stemmed from the year I got a jewelry making it. Instead of giving you the best friend pendant I wanted to give it to this girl i had a crush on named Denise. My parents lectured me that I should give it to you but I didn’t want to. I’m sorry that hurt you. I’m sorry I didn’t pick you. I’m sorry for all the times I left you out. I’m just so sorry.

I’m trying to be grateful and glad that I can hold my 10 year-old self in my arms and say look what we’ve done. Look where we made it. Aren’t you glad you didn’t succeed in poisoning yourself with pinesol at 10 years-old? It just made you vomit a lot and burned your throat. You were embarassed and never told any adult. You told your best friends on a three way call and they laughed calling yous a dumbass is all. You would grow to tell nobody else. Killing yourself was something you couldn’t even do right either. So you saught to move like bat out of hell.

Now you’re in hawaii lamenting on your laptop hiding in hammock. The sun is out now after the periodic rain and cold wind today. It’s not too late to go to the art museum. It’s only an hour walk. Or you could go swim

but right now all you want to do is type rage until the anger and hurt inside of you stops.

145lbs max on box squat hell yeah … also returning to 5k training…

I’ve been a bit scramble the last week but settling back into my routine now that fornication is finally out of the way with Coach. haha

I am impressed I got so much done today before work.

I weight lifted from 6:45am-7:45am. I went to my doctor’s office for a check up on this neck rash. She gave a me a cream. I got all the blood work squared away for my thyroid. I caught the garbage truck before I missed it entirely. I biked to my second chinese herbalist appointment. He has a new supplement for me to try during the day to help my liver and kidneys out as well as continuing this other one for my sleepy brain. After a week of one pill for the calming hormone my usual waking up at 4am returned.

Yesterday my Aunt died in her sleep. She is the first on my mom’s side to die. She had a good heart but we weren’t close due to her notorious and relentless drinking. I suspect it probably caught up with her. 61 is pretty young to go.

I’m currently waiting for quinoa to finish cooking so I can add it to my dinner meal preps for this work weekend. I hope to eat lunch and bike to work + from work today. I think the EDMR session helped bc I have been able to drive more without anxiety or being super startled.

I definitely cried last night but I also went to bed super early. I was able to sleep until 6am without waking up. Which is huge.

I’m excited for the future. Coach used to do triathlons. I told him I would like to do one at least once. We’ve now made plans to do a 5k together in the fall. Either the mud run or annual turkey trot. Tomorrow, we are having breakfast by me and then going swimming before lunch with some old friends from our community.

I feel alive. I feel grateful. I feel overwhelmed. I feel exhilirated. I feel cherished. I feel sorrow. I feel numb. I feel anxious. I feel calm. I feel peaceful. I am feeling all the feels. My mood tracker says in the last too weeks I gravitate between happy and anxious. So that’s a relief. Only had a couple gloomy days

I feel happy. My trip is on the 8th. I can’t wait to go cry some more on the beach. It’s been hell of two years since my sibling hung themselves. I’m still here though. I’m still standing.

Aloha, Womanhood

I made it to the hostel in Honolulu, HI. My phone died right at the moment I got off the bus to walk to the hostel. It was either a $50 30minute ride via lyft or uber or $3 1 hour long bus ride. I opted for bus ride. It was very scenic. I spotted the Dole Canary immediately. I am looking forward to eating a bowl of pineapple soft-serve. Did you know you can only eat it in Hawai’i or Disneyland? Did you know that Hawai’i contributes 1/3 of the ENTIRE world’s pineapples? I love pineapple. It’s one of my favorite fruits on the planet. It’s great in just about every dish and drink; provided it’s not rotten or underripe or overly sweetened with sugar syrup. Thankfully, after asking a few people for directions I found it. The true local islanders have a thick hawaiian accent that is hard for me to understand, sadly. I desperately needed a shower. Walking in the neighborhood I realized I had bled through my pants. The red was now visible and vibrant between my more dark then grey yoga pants. If I was walking like I had stick up my ass. I probably was only it was bloody and had expired the amount it could contain. I wish I had thought to change tampons before I got on the bus. I was excited to get moving.

There I was, flustered, taking short steps, masked and hobbling along. My situation did not deter a local homeless man to blow kisses at me and wave. God bless them for always validating us women as attractive in whatever state we are in. I hoped my luggage covered my backside. I have no idea if I ruined the bus seat. I suspected my period would come during my vacation. It started right before Coach drove me to the airport. I’m irregular. I mensturate probably every 6-8 weeks. (Every 1.5-2 months) Some very tall handsome sort of man with Irish or Australian accent asked me what place I was looking for. He revealed he actually works + stays here at the hostel. Go figure. He points me to the front desk and disappears. I concluded he must not be on shift right now. There’s no one at the font desk. There’s a small sign with some information as to how to check in. It’s sticky and humid. I utilize an outlet to charge my phone to check in via app. I stand around and wait. I don’t see a bell.

I am extremely uncomfortable with the fluids coming out of me. I am sweaty. I am humiliated. I see a different surfer man walking by. He has his long hair in a bun and is bearded. I ask him if he knows where the front desk person is. A sun-burned lady in a flowered masked comes in. She asks me for my info and if I still want to pay. I had assumed I had already paid at this point. She processes my information, takes a copy of my vaccination card, and encourages me to download app that utilizes blue tooth to unlock the door. She also mentions they provide a laundry service for $6 if needed. I am blushing under my mask. I think she saw the red between my legs. I didn’t catch that she was foreshadowing the following events for me.

My email on the other hand has a pin number I can enter. I bum-rush upstairs thinking the pin entry can’t be that hard. It’s a small circular wheel. Since the buttons are flat it’s not clear if the numbers I pressed were registering. I fail a few times at manualing entering it. I surrender to pulling my barely 5% charged phone from the lobby and hope the app is finished so I can get in. Success.

The room is 6 bunk all female room. It’s on the 4th floor and the furthest from the street. This is why it was so cheap I’ve concluded. I pick a bottom bunk in the back right side of the room. I dump all of my things out. I needed a shower and a new tampon. It appears there are two other guests that have claimed top bunks on opposite sides of the room. The room is spacious only because it’s mostly empty. The bathroom + shower is immediately to the right of the entryway. The toliet paper might as well be cheap gift-wrapping tissue you find stuffed in a new pair of sneakers. It’s going to take a lot to wipe up. I just opt for a shower. I forget to grab my towel from my stuff. I dart out into the room raw and naked to grab it. I’m hoping my wetness isn’t damaging to the floors. Then I remember they probably expect it in some fashion so that’s why the design is so economically low. The floor is grey lament with lots of water damage stains.

I stick my phone into the wall to charge. I get dressed. I rinse my yoga pants and wring out the blood + water until it runs clear again. I hang them to dry over the bunk frame. The blooming red stain is gone now. I change into shorts and a different tank since I was very sweaty. I decide to lay down for a bit while I wait for my phone to charge. I chat with Coach. He had given me card to open on the plane. He let me open it at the gate though. Inside was this very thoughtful letter about how his feelings for me at this stage and that he wishes me a wonderful time on my trip. He had wanted to surprise me with a massage or something here but thought it would be better to give me some spending money instead. To just think of him as I use it. ha! I am thinking of him fondly regardless. Someone pinch me to know he’s a real person now in my life who really seems to like me. I keep expecting him to want distance at some point. He keeps surprising me with gestures of him wanting to be closer to me.

I also keep “should-ing” how we’re supposed to interact. Or rather I “should” myself. I am trying my best to remain level-headed and practical. He’s just so romantic. I adore him already. He’s left it up to me. If I need space I can take it but he’s happy to text with me all day aside from him taking his own space here and there to work or other tasks. We both have acknowledged that clearly there’s a lot of NRE (new relationship energy). Big feelings are looming. Yet it doesn’t make sense to go there just yet. We both are processing our impending divorces and new single-ish identities. I don’t feel threatened or worried at the prospect of him dating around. He doesn’t either with me. It feels really good to be on the same page about it. Yet we are able to say I miss you already. I pick on it and at it. I think we’re gross with this level of verbal affection. I suppose it’s a clue that a part of me doesn’t think I deserve it or shouldn’t believe in it. I am working on letting go of belief set around all relationships end. I used to think all of them end sooner or later. They can be long but they will end. I guess now I would rather the ending just be death related or a mutual closing. I simustaneously relish the verbal exchange of “I miss you already” though. It’s ok for me to enjoy this new relationship.

His ability to communicate + listen seemingly matches my own. I start crying out of nowhere. I am confused as to why I am crying about Coach’s supportive-ness. How dare he be so sincere, communicative, realistic, and kind to me. This morning I realize that it feels incredible to feel like I can be authentically myself, understand , and speak a language with a man I like that he also understands. I still have glimmers of distrust of myself still. The last 2 years of my marriage + ptsd breakdowns with my family really broke my self-esteem down. I am slowly but surely building myself up again. I feel better today than I have in the last two years. I’m not too sure where I am going romantically these days but I definitely like he respects, encourages, applauds my need to prioritize a better romantic relationship within myself for myself. I am very grateful I decided to take a leap and book this trip. I deserve to be here. Grief puts a looming cloud over everything. Even the beauty of the sunset in Hawai’i. I cried a lot last night into my pillow on the lower bunk. I was under the blanket when my roommates came in. Nothing like being at risk of being seen snot-face crying by strangers to sober me up emotionally. I am actually kind of grateful their prescence moved me out of the downward spiral I was in. I almost went to bed without dinner or buying more tampons for the night. I walked over to the neighboring burger bar. I had this amazing burger with grilled pineapple and “furiake” fires. Crispy fries that were tossed in garlic butter, siracha and seasame seeds and sea weed flakes. I ate alone in the back patio of the restaurant. I didn’t take any pictures of my food. I just decided to be present. I felt silly. I was laughing to myself. I felt goofy. I went to refill my soft drink to finish off my fries. I ended up knocking it over into my lap and purse. Thank goodness my phone was in my back pocket at that point. Everything else was soaked. That’s two pairs of pants down in less than 24 hrs of being here. Ode to womanhood. Ode to being clutz. I went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 1:30am here. I went back to sleep and gave up when I woke up again at 4:30am. I wondered if I could catch the sunrise.

Ode to my sense of independence from my family’s toxicity. I bought two cans last night. I thought I would drink both but I ended up not feeling like consuming much more so I went to bed. I’m on vacation. I told myself I would eat better today since last night I had all the of the junk food. Burger, fries, dark chocolate macadamia nuts, chips, one can of vodka pineapple and lots of water. I’m typing up a storm right now. I feel like some sort of vagabond. I brought the second can with me for the beach later today. I decided to open it now. I am just sipping. I went for a walk to the beach and watched the sun come up east of here over the hills. I am very west right now so it’s only the sunset. I reread the text messages between my sibling and I the week they committed suicide. I cried. I tore one of the new dresses Coach got me for the wedding on the 18th already. He joked he’s thrilled to add it to the rip off pile. I joked it’s sign that his cracks about nude vacations being better would probably be so.

I spent some time laying out on the ocean listening to video message from my good friend Tigerlily. I adore her too. She inspires me to be a better person. We are similar in that we both got married too fast and now both are dealing with processing the divorce process.

I lamented a bit on facebook because fuck it. It’s actually suicide awareness month. Over 800,000 people kill themselves a year. It’s # 10 in top causes of death worldwide and it’s killing young adults about as quickly as car accidents. My friends have been sending me encouraging messages. They are wishing me a healing trip and comfort. They love me. It feels really good to be supported even if my close friends all live far away from me.

The room has small kitchenette. Two coil burners and a microwave. Above the microwave is a white shelve with clean dishes to use. A small sink to the left. There’s no refrigerator as it’s on the ground level in the communal kitchen next to four others. The beds are single layer cots that are surprisingly comfortable. There’s a four grey lockers. I am still wondering if I should go buy a lock for. My roommates left their belongings out everywhere so maybe there’s implied trust. It puts me at ease rather than disgust or irritation. One of lockers does have a lock though. (I will probably buy a lock today now that I’ve revealed I have laptop with me in the common area. )

This dining lounge / communal kitchen/ common area is directly under the building behind the office space. It’s dirty. It’s outside. It’s shaded. There’s vibrant tiki murals and a multicolored rendition of the waves up the four level of stairs. While the floors above have a patio. It’s just for utilitarian purposes. There’s not much room for sitting or lounging. It’s clearly a walkway. If you look directly out of the ledge across to other building, that over the rails, you can see into those lodging in the rooms in hostel or motel or condos next door. I saw a sweaty shirtless and in shorts only round man laying in his bed watching tv yesterday. This morning I saw an elderly lady in loose purple clothes mosey out later. I think she was stretching near all of her patio plants but I’m not too sure. I like to people watch but this vantage point isn’t very discreet. I see these people in passing downstairs.

There’s communal kitchen with labels that instruct guests to label their things or they’re at risk of being eaten. There’s signs to wash whatever you use. There’s a long dining table in the center with white chairs riddled about. Behind the table, there are three hammocks and to the right of them there’s a round glass patio table. You get what you pay for. I paid for 7 night stay at $40 a night. Location was my priority. I wanted to be within walking distance of the beach and by golly I certainly am. This entry is tenfold longer than I intended it to be. I have no real plans other than to enjoy the beach. Find softserve. Probably go to the zoo at some point this week since it’s so close. My phone and laptop are now fully charged so I digress.

Burn Out

The last time I got smitten was with my former spouse. I remember moving in with him. I gave up everything. My apartment, the furniture I worked so hard to attain, being close to my friends that lived in central Austin.

I was testing out “being at home” as well as “resting”. I started using the apartment complex’s personal gym. I also started restricting in secret.

I don’t feel like I’m doing that here but I do have anxieties around my inherent value or worth to my new beau. I’ve had too many men treat me well on principle of my looks. I made them look better. I was arm candy. I stop being arm candy; they want nothing to do with me. It hurt so much with my former to move in with him and for him to turn around and treat me the same way.

He knew better. He even told me it was important to him to get to know me that really wasn’t a rush anyway because of his ED/sexual anxieties. I explained to him the trauma of having a partner who refused to see me once I gained too much weight in their opinion. I wasn’t as attractive. My former spouse assured me he loved me for me. Yet a month or so into living with him, giving up my job, my life, my life style I felt a huge a mount of pressure to perform. To be his perfect wife. I am doing a lot at home so I’ll go work out. It was going fine until it wasn’t. I had the self-awareness to see the ugly head of my eating disorder rising. Her voice growing louder. I had the rational to pause. I needed a break. I was being too hard on myself. Surely there was a way to find balance.

I informed my spouse about my need to take a break and that I would return to the gym once I felt better mentally. He appeared to understand yet he started giving me the cold shoulder. This went on for a week or so. It crushed me. I felt panic. I thought he was different. Had I been duped again? It hurt so much.

So here I am tender, soft, and vulnerable. I guess I am unsure if it’s my will to work out or just my general will to improve myself for myself is still at the root of this. Coach ( dilf) and I are becoming closer. He says all the nice things. I feel my emotional body bracing for impact. I have been saying I feel like a candle burning at both ends lately. It caught up with me. I thought being more intimate with him would help. It seems to have overwhelmed me a bit. I feel scared I’m repeating the past. Even though he is so different from the latter. I didn’t feel good Saturday at work so I asked to go home. I took yesterday off too. I spent the whole day in bed watching my silly food nerd videos on youtube and then old mobster movies. I missed weight class on Sunday. I’m missing class right now as I type this. Coach assured me whatever I choose it will be the right choice because mental health is just as important as physical health. He is so sweet. I started calling him Coach because we were flirting earlier on over text. Sharing our workout goals. Encouraging each-other. It feels safe and innocent.

He’s went and shared some his own hardships this week. It just affirms to me no matter what age we are, we are all just doing the best we can with what we know or don’t know. I am grateful for this.

Then I have my ol’ friend who’s a climber. He’s back in town and sent me sweet “Thinking of you” post cards all summer. Before he left we had a nice time in nature together. Just cuddling and relaxing. We had a nice kiss and a nap together. It was very comforting. He helped me pick out my dress for my date with Coach. He also realized he should probably ask me out on a proper date too. We have plans now for Thursday.

Earlier in the week I made plans to see Z last night. I cancelled since I wasn’t feeling well.

Z and the climber it’s been a very slow process to get to know them and engage more intimately. Coach has been a whirl wind. Thankfully yesterday when I said I felt burnt out. I was about to say I think I just need a “me” day. Coach beat me to the punch. He suggested we rain check our breakfast/hike plans. I am grateful we came to the same conclusion. I still asked him to come by tho to kiss me goodnight.

All of this love and support around me. I think there’s a part of me that is like,

“Do YoU eVen REaLly DeSerVe it?” “YoU’rE nOt SpEciAL”

“YouR MoTher AbanDoned You AgAin” “EvEryOne wiLL leaVe once theY really Get to know you” etc.

These thoughts hurt. I don’t have to listen to them but pretending they’re not there isn’t helpful either. I redirecting myself to say thank you for sharing but I don’t have to believe you. I am a good person. It’s ok to have people around who care about me. I can believe in the greater good anyway. I don’t have to brace for impact or suspect harm. I am safe. I am okay. I am well. I am doing the best I can. I am releasing the past and looking forward to a new future.